fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
