you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Randomize
