Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
