i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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