Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
