Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Randomize
