he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
