I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I can tuck mytits in my pants
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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