She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
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