this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Randomize
