and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
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