"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Randomize
