I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
The uberlube is also flammable
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
