I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
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