The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
