is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
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