If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Randomize
