Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Randomize
