your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
