you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
