There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Randomize
