There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
