By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
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