Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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