They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize
