You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
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