my phone needs a breathalizer
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
