just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Randomize
