Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
