I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
