Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
sick fucks of a feather flock together
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
