Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
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