The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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