I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
