He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Randomize
