you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
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