if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
