WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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