i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Randomize
