Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
