im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
