Even the bartender felt bad for me
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Randomize
