1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Randomize
