my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Randomize
