Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
