Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Dignity is for republicans.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
