I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
