Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
