things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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