there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
