that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
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