I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Randomize
