GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
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