The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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